Having set up this blog and then deciding to actually make use of it in hopes of ending my sleepless nights and stifled angst (cuz everybody's got some), I didn't think twice about using it to host the assignments for my photography class. At least I didn't until I talked to one of my friends back out East. (P.S. She does know that I'm writing this about her so I'm not outing her to the internet without her consent :P)
My friend, being her usual inquisitive self, paused, and then said, "But won't it make you feel awkward to know that your prof and your classmates will be reading your posts?" It hadn't. It hadn't even occurred to me to feel awkward. Not until she said that I should be feeling awkward. Then I couldn't feel anything but, which of course is ridiculous. But aren't humans a whole lot of ridiculous?
I mean, nothing I write here isn't something that I wouldn't tell anyone that has access to this blog if they asked. I'm certainly not embarrassed about the fact that I have aspirations of becoming a writer. In fact, I know several others that want to write someday - and no, I'm not going to out you, even if pressed.
Myself, I also have aspirations of becoming a singer. When I have a crappy day, I use my old teddy bear as a pillow. I love Disney movies even though the educated part of my brain rails against all of the horrible ideas they promote like Stockholm Syndrome. I still have crayons and color in coloring books. I spent two and a half years of high school being called Legolas or being told I looked like Orlando Bloom (who by the way, I still have not fully forgiven - 57 times I was told this! lol) As one of my best friends says, I (inspired by her Harry Potter obsessed mind) have a saving people thing. I put everyone else's needs before my own and will deliberately take hits myself before I allow others to be hit. I still listen to N Sync when I have a crappy day and may or may not have two Hanson albums on my Ipod at the moment (which is more embarrassing than anything else I've said here so far :P). I've been stalked three times, including currently being cyberstalked, I've suffered from depression, helped raise two kids that weren't mine, and constantly feel that I am not good enough.
I could continue, but really, you didn't come here to read my deepest darkest secrets. My point is that I don't feel awkward - pretty much ever. I think it has to do with the fact that I really don't care what other people think. There are 9 people in this world that I care what they think. Their opinion can lift me up to the sky or grind me down so deeply into the dirt that I can't get up. Other than them, no offense to the rest of you, I honestly don't care and thus, I don't feel awkward. I'll tell you what I'm thinking, tell you about myself, and although sometimes in retrospect I realize it might not have been a great idea to say what I said, I know I can't change it. Why feel awkward? I'll just try to do better next time.
When I told my friend the reeling loop of angst our earlier conversation had put me through she laughed at me. She said, "Of course you don't feel awkward about it, your Awkwardmeter is broken." This of course prompted me to grump at her for having asked me whether I'd feel awkward in the first place. Apparently she gets her kicks trying - even after a decade - to find the one situation that will make me feel awkward. Right now she's betting on the moment I meet the guy I'm destined to marry. It's her theory that he'll be my kryptonite and make me feel awkward constantly.
I'm not sure whether I agree, or even how I feel about it, but I do know this. Having a broken Awkwardmeter can be pretty awesome. It allows you an inordinate amount of freedom to be exactly who you are and be that person openly. I'm not ashamed of who I am. I may not always like myself, but I'm confident enough in my own awesomeness to own the things that should make me awkward. If I don't, I'm letting people miss out on half of my awesomeness and that just isn't fair to anyone ;)
Besides, as busy as my profs and fellow classmates are, they're not going to have the time to read my mindless yammering. I really shouldn't be taking the time to write it, but hey, I had to do something on my supper break, didn't I?